2023年7月11日 星期二

生日欺凌

 

      對!為什麼我不能說出來呢?這個評語說得好。更好的!若果有,可能是:為什麼獨有這人不能說出來呢?只有我是不能說出來的。幹麼?平常不過的事,怎麼不能說呢?你若了解「生日」這概念是如何在我身上發展,你就真的可從我的角度看了。

      我是如何學到「生日」這概念的呢?

      當我六歲後,最愛我的祖父死了,我的三哥開始天天欺凌我,他的目的是要我每一天都最少哭一次。雖然,或有可能不是每一天都哭,但是最少超過一半的日子要天天哭。終於有一天,我不知從那裡得知一種稱為「生日」的概念,我開始察覺,為什麼在我生日的那一天,他仍要我哭呢?於是,我說了一句不應說的說話:「今天是我的生日,可否不讓我哭呢?」當我說了這樣的說話,就給自己意識到「生日」這概念,「生日」的重要。而結果是,在我生日的那天,我仍要痛哭。那麼我還是重要嗎?我該算是個什麼的概念。直至小學五、六年級時,每課體育課我都被同學排斥,讓我在每個體育課都躲在一旁哭,哭上了一年半後,給社工發現、給政府心理學家發現,定義為心理病,才可以停止三哥每天的欺凌。

      升到了中學,希望得到新開始,可是不如人意。不僅在學校中充滿欺凌,在教會中更甚。在「眾人皆自大,唯我獨謙」的教會中,我每一大小舉動都變成了自大。過了好幾年,我真的想有人給我慶生,我真的說了出來。大家怎麼反應:「教會不是搞聯誼的地方」、「單單愛主吧!」、還有最常用的片語:「自高自大。」你還問我為什麼不說出來呢?我的「生日」及我的一切重要日子,只要我說出來,就給神聖的聖徒們,像問候你媽媽般的「自高自大」。最終有位姊妹真的關心了我,給了我人生中第一份生日禮物。雖然,那極可能是她多買了的一疊,用作做讀書報告的記事卡。但我已珍重了不少多少年。沒有運用過!

      直至我踏入預科,上帝為我伸冤,取去那欺凌我的三哥的性命。可是教會的欺凌,再次推我進入絕境。什麼都是「自高自大」,明知道那是我三哥自殺了不久的時候,當中還有一名是社工的物體,在我的耳中灌滿了「自高自大」。於是我三哥自高自大,我就自高自大;我三哥要自殺死,我就要自殺死。我就前去死!就在我生日的那一天,走到學校的後樓梯頂層,那距離樓下球場有着十一層的高度之處,我意識到我要找一張矮凳。就在那一刻,我胡思亂想,想到當時的訓導主任陳老師在傳媒前哭不成聲,答不到傳媒的追問。不跳了!我便轉身離開。那訓導主任曾視我為最好的學生,在學校裡到處宣傳,結果打從中四起,至中七止的所有學生都聽過我的名字。她曾單獨跟我說:「你不像其他中六生,以為自己升上了預科便不可一世。」這是一個截然不同的評語。還有當時為人過份率直,開罪了不少人的空手道高手同學:「你很謙虛,但很靜!」我該聽誰呢?只是我知道我要遠離那個誘人自殺的後樓梯。

      無論如何!「生日」這回事,對於我,已出現了不能逆轉的陰霾。到正式投入社會後,公司的女同事喜歡為其他同事搞生日會。我說不是我的正日,就免了!於是得來的,卻是延續了的欺凌。

      我們若要保護腎臟,最好的方法就是多喝水。但是,倘若一天你的腎壞了,就要限制喝水。有些事情不是當年失去了,現在補做了就可以彌補!女兒幼年缺乏父愛,不是當她長大後讓爸爸抱她吻她就可以。你若殺了龍門標局數十人,不是行俠仗義去,救回數十人性命就可以擺了。有些事不能逆轉。壞了的身體就不能承受。所以,倒不如不讓人家知道。什麼關於自己的重要日子都不說了!只需要每一次有人跟我捱過去就是了。

      「幸運地」,遇上了現時的太太,可以陪伴我渡過每一個生日。只是不要計算她在某次我的正日生日時,帶着我去為別人補祝生日,並且那天隻字不提那天是我的正日。我不介意妳為人家補祝生日,但也可以讓我「搭單」一同慶祝吧。還是要公然地、公開地向世界宣告我並不重要。

      其實,有一個巧合。就是她的大哥的生日,跟我的受浸週年日是同一日。我其實也真的想人家知道及記得我的受浸週年日,所謂的屬靈生日。只是,這樣多年她都不給我說,也不許我說。直至今天,她的外家沒有一人知道,我的受浸週年日也是在七月十日。去年七月十日,還強逼我參與她哥哥的慶生,唱歌跳舞做小丑助慶。我不介意,但連提一提那天也是我的屬靈生日的正日怎也不可以?「搭一個單」,沾點光彩可以嗎?

      真的想,在某年的結婚紀念日,我為某一名女子補祝生日。並且不告訴及不許告訴與會者,那天是我的結婚紀念日。更要要求我太太參加,並唱歌跳舞助慶。你們覺得如何?太過份嗎?但這樣的事已出現在我的身上。是否身為男性就要給人家無止境地欺凌。

      所以,今天在社會上、教會上及家庭內充滿了欺凌。不要再問我為什麼不直接把肉身及屬靈的生日告訴人。這也是全世界無人知道的原因。

2023年7月9日 星期日

上帝已死在社會中

 

上帝已死在社會中

DOI: 10.13140/RG.2.2.25444.55683

    受浸四十年後,我可深信,我唯一可為我的信仰做的事,就只有寫作。真的希望,當我在我的受浸四十周年紀念日當天,可以上載一篇關於「死」的文章。「四」跟「死」在中文中是諧音。我而且竟然企圖大逆不道地,在這時刻重提尼采的名句:「上帝已死!」當然,「上帝已死」並不能很簡單地理解為一句敵基督的意圖,更重要的是,它可能揭示出,我們(這群基督)殺了上帝,使上帝在我們的生活中失效。所以,事實可能是,上帝已死在社會中。

    重提四十年前受浸的當天,所有人都離我而去,連唯一一名觀禮者,也明言他是來觀看另一人的受浸的。而教會仍不知羞恥地自誇他們對弟兄姊妹的愛,無視其對那些不為一夥者的無止境欺凌。在我可充分相信可取得超過一百人的簽名,支持我不為他們所標籤者的處境下,仍為那四個主觀不聽上帝言的、謝XX的判定:「人人說你錯,你就是錯!」但只有四人說我是錯。真的要把這個後來騙得長老職份的所謂人,送到國安公署去。天天幻想自己一天為政權逼害而偉大地殉道,而在給小姊妹發現自己偷偷抽煙後,卻以長老之權公報私仇。

    教會充滿了欺凌。我或會給批評為不樂於事奉,但怎麼教人在一個不絕受欺凌的處境下,快樂地參與事奉。當我中學畢業十年後,仍有舊同學,一見到我便上前來報信他已信了耶穌。可想當年我在學校到處佈道的境像,除了弄至給校長指導外,仍留在不少人的記憶中。只是,教會既不愛世間不屬自己的人,就不愛他們到底。[1]

    那家教會沒有欺凌?一家沒有欺凌的教會,必定是一家好教會。教會最愛的欺凌模式,是音樂欺凌。總要評論人家不會唱,只是人家並沒有想過要比你唱得好。一個會唱的恩賜把你變成了另一種人,把自己分層成為聖詩班的事奉上流,天天望着坐在下面的會眾展露天獺之音。以為多年參與音樂事奉,不知這只是不為上帝悅納的音樂欺凌。二零一七年,我受到了音樂欺凌,至今超過了六年,並沒有聽過一句道歉話。我必按香港法例第三百四十七條,不予饒恕。不要問我為什麼不寬恕人家七十個七次,因為我當年因太累唱不到一個音而永不得寬恕。對!大家都願意寬恕別人,只是可否先把你的什麼從人家身上拔出來吧?究竟大家對自己正不斷做的事,有否正常人的感覺?

    有時,我真想試試,看上帝是否真的對我遇上的不公義,不聞不看。上帝是否真的已死。二零一九年短宣時,我創作了三句禱文,在短宣時以此引導小朋友歸向基督。但有關宣教師,竟一個大意,在教會週刊中弄成為是他的創作。這也四年了,上帝似乎沒有意圖澄清版權。二零零六年,我把福音海報掛滿了我的辦公室;老闆因風水不能到我的桌前而解雇我。我或許迷信上帝會在別處祝福我,只是到了現在,我的收入跟能力仍是超極度不成正比。是否是上帝沒有能力祝福我呢?我知道上帝是不會隨便介入人類社會中的,只是當我遇到這樣不公平事而抱怨時,便給信徒判為不順從者、叛徒。成功神學!大家都只是按情況而批評。對你有利、無利。成功者或失敗者,是你的人或不是。

    或者說,問題是出現了明顯不合理情況時,大家無動於衷。我們當按理以為,大家卻是明知違理而為。

    正如我今天所返之教會之牧師嘗言:今天不少神學畢業生都表現得不可一世了!牧師真的是孤陋寡聞,不少神學生從來就是不可一世啦!只是他們有否記起,上帝敵擋驕傲的人,賜福給謙卑的人。[2]他們都是唸聖經的!

所以,我認為:信仰是一生的事,若連三年神學訓練也沒有,如何可駕馭;信仰是一生的事,只靠三年神學所學到的皮毛,如何可駕馭。

    香港不少教牧同工,本着他們的偏見,鼓吹、帶領信徒邁步所多瑪。大家沒有唸聖經嗎?[3]所多瑪──一處充滿了同性戀的富庶之地。[4] 不要這樣說,英國循道公會已容許同性婚姻婚禮[5],加拿大通過了C6法案[6],這才是今天的潮流嗎?只是,當C6法案給通過後不久,在卑斯省便出現了天火焚城的天文現象。[7]

    不!西方世界有民主,有了民主什麼問題都不再是問題。我們或可以發現,「民主」已給社會建構成一個聯系着一切美麗光明物的符號。我們給這個「民主」符號,拉進一個「民主」魔咒下的社會中,沉醉於無視失去了基督新教倫理觀下的所謂自由民主。於是,大家都開始並早已接受,以耶穌基督的聖名為粗口。一個這樣鄙視自己神明的族群──美國,本身就是一切邪惡的核心,怎配得到處標籤他人為邪惡?他們並且到處煽動戰爭。這樣的國家,基本上就是敵基督。

    你是否因為我批評美國,就標籤我為什麼顏色呢?或認為我說美國的不是,是要在中美角力中,急着向中方阿謏奉成。對!中國不像美國一般虛偽,中國從來都早已看上帝已死。自周朝開始,中國人便以德代天。雖說有天,卻如尼采一般看這個天已失效,遠離人民。大家都只靠着自己,不用天、神明、上帝的介入。中國成了一個甭基督。最高的道德動力來自慎獨。[8]只是一名在上海徐家匯因中暑昏倒的婦人,立刻給人撫胸。中國人數千年的道德學說可真的是天下無敵,只是行出來恐怕無能為力。

    或許,有些人會批評我。怎麼不能學會寬恕,基督徒不就該寬恕人家七十個七次嗎?對!我們不能對人家要求太高,總要給世界留下一點空間,畢竟有限的人類總不能達到完美。只是,今天的問題不是我們所存在的世界欠缺寬恕,而是太過於縱容,以至到處都是𣎴知錯,不認錯,沒有意向改過,達至一個地步,到處充斥着錯得太誇張至零意圖改變的反智式任意忘為。一名熱衷於傳道,到處參與不同的宣教工作,甚至到國外戰亂地區佈道,領了不少人信耶穌的虔誠信徒,一天跟我說:「我要嫖妓去」,並且已給了錢,約了妓女見面,還說要在享用完性服務後,向她傳福音。

    有時,大家知不知道自己正在幹什麼?二零一七年,當年我所在的教會,大家都熱衷於音樂事奉。一天,在我們練詩的會場處,一名大男人哭得死去活來。我已把什麼練詩的事都忘卻了,參與安慰的工作。當時,主領訓練的師母,指出我們數把男音都唱得不準確,一名自大得瘋狂的所謂弟兄,欲想掩飾自己也唱得不完美,扯盡語氣痛駡我。我當時太累了,又為關心痛哭者而失神,根本唱不出任何一個音。只是一個音,零寬恕至盡,並沒有看到身旁一個需要人家安慰者的存在。這個連最無良心者都不會忽略的痛哭,這個所謂事奉人員的自大怪,竟然無動於衷,超極度自我地陶醉於自我感覺良好。究竟上帝要些什麼?究竟你們這班基督徒在幹什麼?上帝要的是你的完美歌聲,還是你們給予小子的一杯涼水?[9]音樂事奉,還是音樂欺凌?上帝若接納你們這樣的事奉,祂就是精神分裂了!不!上帝是不會精神分裂的,所以是你們這群自大、自我的不知所謂,在不住地看上帝已死。根本不知自己在做什麼,只因循地重複地當着鳴的鑼、響的鈸。[10]究竟大家知不知道、或有意圖去知道上帝要的是什麼呢?祈禱會,甚少見到熱衷事奉的人參加。

    正如亞她利雅高呼說:「反了!反了!」[11] 對!我可算是叛徒,因為我批評教會及美國。「背叛」與「叛徒」可算是很好的形容詞,揭露今天地上教會的實況。究竟,你覺得,誰才是叛徒呢?我批評教會的現況,希望教會改變;還是你不按聖經而行,好讓世人咒罵基督教?這揭示了地上教會的社會建構本質。所有基督徒皆緊貼着關係、模式、傳統及盲從自己所屬的認同群體的一切建構,並沒有細究聖經上所記載的真理。究竟,這是否基督徒呢?對!我知道,大家必定回應說:我們不能在沒有上帝幫助下做好的。我並不鼓勵人們靠自己按着經文的記載去做好。我相信人們可以靠着主而變好的。只是,現實情況是,不少基督徒,恃着上帝的寬恕,而特意不做好,並偏離信仰的正路。不少基督徒熱衷於唱歌、跳舞,很少基督徒熱衷於讀經、禱告。基督徒!究竟你們正在幹什麼?一位傳道人的太太,在其丈夫跟她討論神學後,批評自己丈夫為自高自大。她說:「是否所有唸神學的人都是這麼自高自大呢?」不久,她跟丈夫到非洲宣教去,還成為一位宣教士。究竟她宣什麼教呢?還是她認為,她跟當地的小孩辦過一些桌遊活動,就等同傳了福音嗎?

    所以,教會中,大家都熱衷於建立關係。不要跟我辯論了!教會都是唯獨關係的。那裏還有唯獨聖經、唯獨信心、唯獨恩典…了!大家都急於把自己所能認識到或體會到的一點點知識或經驗、甚或在教會群體中熱傳的知識、經驗、價值、常規…到處熱傳。結果,耶穌基督、教會的教條、信仰價值、常規活動…都變成了給人手製造出來的符號,以把群眾維繫成為一個意念群體,大家於是都在這個群體中得到了認同、感受到給肯定的存在。只是,上帝跟黃大仙無異,成為大家運用的工具。沒有人以堅持對上帝的一夥丹心,反對教會這樣無意識的世俗沉淪。

    我們該知道,一般學術界以數學及邏輯為真理。基督教並不抗衡這種真理觀,反之卻是維護這樣的真理觀。只是,若果只為逃不出對眾人意見的盲從,或傳統價值的羈絆,啞忍流行遍見帶來的不悅,否定邏輯給予的啟示,那就是跟真理背道而馳,使上帝在我們的生活中變為無效。我們可知道,社會上的真實是由社會建構而成的。原來,全個社會共同認同的真實,可以並不是真實。社會結構可能比較好一點,基於社會結構經過時間的認證,接近真正真實的可能比較大。只是,在時代的變遷下,以往的真實也可以不再真實,大家仍堅持從前的信念,不接受邏輯的審判。

    唯有歸回真正的真理,才可以使我們更靠近上帝。只是,社會並沒有堅持這個執着。一是堅持既有的社會結構,一是熱衷於參選社會建構,甚或兩者皆持。只是尋找終極真理,實在是又大又難。大家總想儘快找個落腳點,一是多年相信的傳統,一是近年熱衷的潮流。什麼活在當下、生命影響生命──根本就是感受不到上帝。什麼福音派、什麼靈恩派──簡單不思考上帝而急於建構自我群體。

    似乎追求終極真理,並不是我們這群凡夫俗子在這生中的可能。可是,神學上還有一個「既已未已」的理論。那就是真理已在,只是還未給我們完全掌握,但是在不懈追求真理的進程中,給我們體會到專業的精神及效能。所以,縱然我們仍未完全擁有真理,守着專業精神,才是更加貼近上帝的方向。我最不滿的,是有些牧師在接受了我的批評後,問我該如何是好。你若是牧師,受過嚴格的神學訓練,還倒過來問我?一切按着專業而行,那麼神學就有其用處。

    歷史的潮流,從怕鬼文化轉而至怕神文化。基督教世界有敬畏耶和華是智慧的開端[12],中國歷史中,由商朝轉到周朝,經歷到從敬鬼問卜至以德代天。推動世界運作的,不再是來自對神秘的恐懼,而是對終極原則的主動順從。今天,推動社會運作的,是來自社會結構或社會建構的社會認同。是否我們可讓「既已未已」的真理,在這時代帶領我們重新出發?那就是專業精神!專業主義可以成為一套意識形態。但不需要每每參照,既得利益者,在既定論文中的引導,以專業主義意識形態,定明大家要聽從當權者的專業領導。其實,所謂代議政制,也是同出一轍的獨裁理念。今天教育普及的時代,專業能力已為更大的群體所擁有。所以,以專業主義為意識形態,應以專業為依歸的意識形態,大家跟從一個客觀的、沒有私利的專業知識及技能進行政治行為與解決政治衝突。

    什麼是上帝已死呢?那就是,這個社會,尤其是你們這群基督徒,看上帝已死。所以,上帝已不存在於社會或教會中。只是,社會的真實不就是真實。上帝在社會上已死,並不代表上帝已死。反之,若上帝不可能死,那麼就是這個社會處於已死的狀態中。在《世界的中心呼喚愛》的女角,不斷預言世界末日。最後,她發現不是世界末日,而是她在這世界上末日。

二零二三年三月二十四日下午二時三十分啟筆著作

二零二三年四月十四日晚上九時五十六分完成著作

二零二三年七月十日上載於Researchgate並由此發表

 



[1] 約翰福音131

[2] 彼得前書55

[3] 創世紀1313

[4] 創世紀194-5

[5] 范爾敦牧師:英國循道公會總議會容許禮拜堂舉行同性婚姻典禮,循道衞理聯合教會會訊,20221-2月,第379期,頁18-19

[6] Karin Phillips and Julian Walker, Bill C-6 An Act to Amend the Criminal Code (Conversion Therapy), Ottawa, Canada: Library of Parliament, 2020. 這是一個禁止同性戀者接受轉回正常人的法案。

[7] 二零二一年,在C-6法案通過後,在加拿大卑斯省Lytton給從自然界現象來的一場大火澈底焚燬。

[8] 《大學》

[9] 馬太福音1042

[10] 哥林多前書131

[11] 歷代志下2313

[12] 箴言910

2022年7月12日 星期二

教會的愛、一切的愛 ─ 對於我,全是虛偽

 

七月十日是我的受浸記念日,可算是我的屬靈生日。本來沒有慶祝也算吧!我老婆還要我,在當天給她長兄慶祝生日,我千個萬個不願意。同時,我也不想跟她兩名剛從英國回來的親人晚宴,不是我歧視,而是我多次表明,我將有一個重要課程要上,我想減少受感染風險的可能。我表達了最少四次,但是仍是畀面參加。只是,為她哥哥慶生的生日會中,我已給足了面子,照也拍了!我老婆還要搞一起站立敬酒、唱歌跳舞為她哥哥祝生。我當天也是正日,怎麼連一句搭單提一提,我也在當天屬靈生日也不可以?究竟她有否當我存在過!完全不重視,看我如無物。過了三天,她仍一句道歉也沒有,仍然覺得自己完全正確。這人是否對我有絲毫的愛。

這已不是第一次,曾經有一年,她為了為石惠兒補祝生日,到了當時鴻昌在上環臨時居住的閣樓處,為了石惠兒搞了個生日會。我不介意為她慶生,但那一生是我的正日生日,幹麼不可以也提一提,讓我也可以搭單得到少少的重視呢?一個普通路人也不會這樣做。

生日這事宜,我事實上是受了一點傷。我認識生日這事宜時,是我在若六、七歲,當我天天給三哥害哭時,我問了句:「今天是我的生日,為什麼還要我哭?」自我六歲至十二歲,我幾乎每天都要哭一次,我那時最想要的生日禮物是不用哭。當然沒有,也從來沒有人為我慶生。

當我上了中學後,想想可否請教會為我慶生,我其實意會到是否可以以慶生作為心靈醫治的藥,只是那些滿有愛心的神聖弟兄姊妹,只指責我教會不是搞社交的場所。但是,他們有為他人慶生,因為他們既愛他們屬自己的人,就愛他們到底。

到我受浸的那天,幾乎所有認識我的親人、朋友、教會中的弟兄姊妹,都沒有來出席。連緊緊一個有來的,也表明不是來看我,而是看別人才順看看到我。我的受浸無人關注,我每年的受浸記念日,也從來沒有人記念。我算是跟弟兄姊妹說了,大家也像聽不到。我不禁問了句,我是否信錯了耶穌?

教會有愛?天方夜譚!

我知道這是我的宿命。愛只可以單程,只有我付出,沒可能得回。我已經不再盼望任何慶生,也不易接受任何慶生。不要以為我在生氣,而是真正受了傷。大家問問專家,應知道一些事不及時做,補做會出現反效果。只希望大家,有點良知的人,不要把我一生的創傷拉出來,合情合理恰當地對待我。

有人重視我?請不要再開玩笑!

2022年7月10日 星期日

虛偽的愛 ─ 教會的愛

 

今天是我受浸三十九年的日子,可算是我的屬靈生日。

我可記得我於一九八三年七月十日,我受浸的那天。那領我返教會的大哥,在跟我一同坐地鐵往尖沙咀途中,因知道我正前往受浸而中途下了車。到受浸之後,才有相熟的大哥哥走過來跟我說:「怎麼你今天受浸麼?我現在才知道,我是看別人受浸時,才看到你受浸。」那時,唯一給我送上聖經的是我的三哥,但那時我以為是禮物的聖經,卻給我的三哥要回了價錢:十四元幾角。我把錢給了他,他便歡歡喜喜地、很神聖地把所有金錢投在奉獻箱內。除了這三個人,我沒有遇見任何一位相熟的朋友。什麼是受浸呢?那就是死。我相信沒有人如我一般那樣地經驗受浸的死 ─ 一個真真正正無人記念的受浸的死。

我相信上帝有愛,只是我以三十九年證明教會完全沒有愛,一點也沒有。四十在聖經內是一個很特別的數字,我不知道當我受浸了四十年後,會是什麼的樣子。但我知道一切如舊。教會只重視名聲,沒有真愛。不要再虛偽,我已有鐵一般的證據。四十年數據已是非常充足,不可推諉。所以,我不再相信任何教會的愛,一切只有虛偽。

2021年5月1日 星期六

Hypothesis for Theosis Study under the Philokalia

 DOI: 10.13140/RG.2.2.11694.64320

        As test hypotheses can be used in qualitative research in ground theory,[1] I would like to deliver a hypothesis for researching the unspeakable union phenomenon. The hypothesis is basically made with reference to my personal experience. It may hope to give out an answer of why I would like to promote the way of spirituality under the Philokalia. It may be divided into three parts: the experience, the function, and the process to perfection. I should be honest that I have read through the Philokalia before I write this hypothesis, but I loyal to my own experience as some of my experiences may not be easily found out from the Philokalia. Besides, I have not dug out all my experiences from my memories and put onto this essay. You may find out some more from other writings of mine and I may deliver more in the later dates. But I have addressed some important experiences in this essay. Comparison and discussion among my experiences with the Philokalia and other research papers concerning the theosis may an approach of my further research.

The experience

        It is very hard to describe the experiences of my staying in the unspeakable union. That is why it is denoted by ‘unspeakable’. I may try to give out more information from its characteristic, my feeling, ‘similar description’ … etc. I find that the experience is realistic. But there is no similar phenomenon in this world that can be borrowed to describe this scene. Thus, description from several directions may be help in figure it out. However, the puzzle may not be picked up unless you have the same experience yourself. You may get more parts of the picture from my description. Therefore, most of the people may not understand what I am writing. Please do not treat it as poor English or language used. The best language can fully describe this experience is not present in this world. I would try my best to describe it by the limit of our language. But I insist not to alter the description for produce an ease reading with so-called good English. The reader should try to understand what I try to express but not criticize simply by poor English. In fact, the description is by nature uncertain no matter which language of the world used.

        I may come back to the first experience while I got into this unspeakable union. In a fellowship of youngsters, under supervision of Mr. NG, I called upon the name of the Lord. Suddenly, I saw a light. I could not ensure whether I just moved my head upward and adjusted my eyes pointing to the light on the celling or other. But it was really a supernatural change happened on me at the moment of seeing the light. Something like air blew from outside, through my mouth, into my inside. It went through my mouth to my heart and distributed toward my arms and legs. I was filled with this air in my whole body. As the same time, I found that I could not stop my calling upon the name of the Lord, and I repeated the name very fast. At that moment, I was filled up wholly, I found that I was entered into a place. It was a place, but I know that I was in the meeting hall and still stayed with other people. I was not transferred into another place, but there was really a space appeared in front and embraced me. The characteristics were bright, golden, still, warm …. etc. It seemed to be a dream that you could not hold it and retain it. I could not hold it into my memory for allowing more time to describe it. It could not be caught. But I had a feeling of to be caught by this scene. What my feeling was peaceful, eternity, exciting, … etc. My mind was filled with idea of that was what I want, I wanted to stay forever, that was eternity with it was not an object of eternity but union of eternity that I stayed.

        I had stayed in this union for a very short time. It maybe one minute or more. It was stopped when the supervisor ordered to stop the practice. It may be a phenomenon never suspected by the supervisor. I know I may recite the name of Jesus forever endlessly if he did not stop me. The reciting likes mechanical repeating. My mouth was not controlled by me to repeat the name. However, I could stop it immediately once the supervisor asked me to stop. My mouth was 100% controlled by me. After stopping the practice, all my feeling was positive. Pleasure, exciting, peaceful, …. were continued. All that feeling were also controllable. I was not over-exciting to make people feeling strange while I was on my way home myself.

        This is the first time I experienced the unspeakable union. I was thirteen years old. Afterward, I practiced myself in my home without close mentor of supervisor. I spent three months to come back the same experience of unspeakable union. The experience was same to my first entry. However, I had not seen the light and filled with something air-liked again. I direct entered the same unspeakable union while I held my heart steady in a straight line waiting for bestow that befall me passively.

        I experienced these two supernatural events within September to December 1981. In the start of 1982, I started the other type of spiritual exercise – Pray Reading of the Bible. I still practiced calling the name of the Lord but not too intensive. I still reached a point that with the same feeling of ecstasy but not got into the same space of unspeakable union. Then, I seldom got into the space. Sometimes, there may be a bright feeling, sometimes I received again the golden radiation, but not the prefect space of the union. However, I satisfied and without an insistence to come back to that eternity space in every time of spiritual exercise.

        After I read part of the Philokalia and the Art of Prayer, I tried to practice the prayer of the heart. I recited the new Chinese version of the Jesus Prayer translated by me with paid attention on my carnal heart. The vibration of my heart in my body of total stillness was seemed to pull out my whole body by two strings holding my heart with my whole body. The only beating was my heart with echoing the universe. Sometimes, it may be feeling of harmony with all things in the universe. The feeling of the presence of the God were sometimes felt. The feeling is based on a ‘truth’ that is not resulting from any reasoning or evidence. That ‘truth’ with peaceful allow me to dwell in feeling of eternity. The so-called peaceful is not the physical peaceful but, in many times, it happens in a state with unpeaceful environment. The feeling of presence of God is similar to my previous experience in calling upon the name of the Lord. However, the experience of this practice may be more on psychological side. It may be created by human psyche even it might not from supernatural side. However, the level of the feeling may not be able to be created by human effort. My first two experiences in calling the name of the Lord are much greater as they were not created by any human action but totally bestowed from a wholly other that impossible to be controlled by human effort. My first two experiences had a part of entering a space that really not belong to this world. My practice on Jesus Prayer discussed above lead to dwell in feeling of eternity only with totally presence in this world.

        I experienced supernatural while I practiced the prayer of the heart one time. It was a time after one of my friends died. I could not sleep one night as embraced by grief. I practiced the prayer of the heart with reciting Jesus Prayer of my Chinese version. Suddenly, a power, like a wall, appeared in front of me, was moving toward me, passed through me. I could not see the wall but felt the wall. It seems to a short in a Japanese Scientific film Masked Rider Blade. The masked rider transformed while something wall-liked passed through him. The wall passed through me and scanned my whole body. My sorrow was removed and restored to totally clam while the wall scanning my body. That mean it happened that part of my body was released but part was tense still during scanning. It is totally supernatural and cannot be created by human psyche.

        Some experiences are similar but not totally from the practice of calling the name of Lord or reciting Jesus Prayer. It is practice of reciting the phase ‘Maranatha’. I recited this phase with keeping my mind calling ‘Lord Jesus, come’. I found that it could clam my mind very fast with came into a state of stillness, but it was dark. Later, I felt that something inside me I would like to vomit it out. While I spited the air out from my mouth, I started to speak in tongues. It is different from the general Charismatic that it is not a repeating of a short sentence or phase. It was a paragraph or an essay with language structure. There was cadence of speech, changing of beat, foot stops, …. It was talking something meaningful. I could stop it several times with calling the name of the Lord Jesus. And this speech in tongues can defeat demon. I spoke in tongues by this way only for four times. The fourth time I practiced it while I was fighting with a demon I met while I was praying for someone who was possessed by demon. The demon distracted me from praying. The only way I could continue the praying if my praying conducted by the word I did not understand. Thus, I changed to pray in tongues. After 15 minutes or half an hour, the demon came to my house with burning by something fire-liked hauling a long cloud of stars.

        It is not usually a feeling of entering the unspeakable union circumstance while the prayer made. I have many experiences with feeling of standing on the top of a hill while praying. This feeling is more or less psychological as I cannot feel any supernature or other expression. I just close my eyes and see nothing. But my feeling is always bright. You may be considered I was fallen into a high mood in praying. At that moment, I feel I am standing on the top of a hill surrounded by light with implement my job of deliver blessing to the whole world.

In fact, prayer may be made in the state that I trust I am in the state of unspeakable union, but not wholly an experience in that union as the time of the prayer. In fact, as the time of a prayer, it has never coincided with the stretch out of the unspeakable union. As the time of a prayer, our mind may not too buried that it cannot co-exist with the unspeakable union illustration. I have also experience of to be put into stillness without prayer while the union state was stretched out. What my feeling is always sufficient and no need to pray as the Lord was with me wholly. I experienced the unspeakable union; my memory has the record of this feeling. While I recite the name of the Lord or praying to reach the same feeling, I suppose I am in the same state of the union. Generally, it is a feeling. Generally, there is no light, and it is not in dark, during praying in this state. Even through my experience started from meeting a light. Today, I have another experience, I recite ‘KURIE IHSOU CRISTE ELEHSON MEto meet a light again. I was put into an ecstasy feeling with feeling of on a mountain, but not reached the eternity circumstance. No prayer was made even I do suppose it may be a good time of making prayer.

The function

        One of the main reasons I enthusiastic to promote this experience to people is concerning the effectiveness of prayer made in the state of the unspeakable union. It is called as in the state of ‘in the Spirit’ in the Church Assembly Hall. The experience tells me that it has higher possibility of receiving answer from the God, our situation has higher possibility to be changed or there is really some power we can feel while we make prayer within this state of ‘in the Spirit’. Therefore, in the past, I do not know what the situation is now, people in the Church Assembly Hall would recite Jesus’s name to reach a feeling of ‘in the Spirit’ before start praying. In the state of ‘in the Spirit’ is something in a state of keeping some type of ecstasy feeling. It cannot be denoted only by excitement as it always with peaceful. The so-called peaceful is usually not your bodily condition or psyche condition. Sometimes and many times, this peaceful may happened in an unreasonable time that contrary to the situation you are facing. It is something wholly other.

        Either we practice reciting the name of the Lord to the state of ‘in the Spirit’ or we pray continue to a state that we have a same feeling of ‘in the Spirit’, we may consider the prayer is made successfully and the prayer is done. Without reaching this level of experience, the prayer is not finished. With the simple belief into what we pray, there is usually something changed subsequently. Either reply to you, revise your concept, change the situation that you pray, and even miracle is common. God always reply to us by this we called as prayer ‘in the Spirit’.

        Defeating demon may be one of the functions of this practice. Once I was troubled by the myth of suicide, I was persuaded by plenty of noises which was lowering my self-image. I called the name of the Lord Jesus unconsciously and the noise was totally calmed by less than 0.1 second. Surely it was not happened in the practice up to the state of unspeakable union, the power of Jesus’s name is too great in defeating demon.

        I find that an entity can be formed while I reach the state of unspeakable union. It is not the first two times while I entered the secrete space, it is the state I practice calling the name of the Lord with feeling of ecstasy only. But there was really an entity created. It is intangible, it cannot be touched, but I feel it and I can move it. In the language of the Church Assembly Hall, it may be the spirit of a man. One time, a girl declared troubled by demon, I moved this ‘entity’ toward the girl during praying, the demon gone at the moment the ‘entity’ reach her. The girl knew nothing I had done on her. As I never told people while I was treating the demon for them. It may decline their faith if I tell them anything. I knew the demon gone by the facial expression of the girl. It was at the same moment of the ‘entity’ reached her.

        As I believe, this ‘entity’ is the state while the spirit of the Lord wholly merged with me.[2] I used this method to help people released from demon until 1998. I never told anyone while I helped them. It is a lesson I learnt after an action in defeating demon in 1984. I learnt that we should keeping 100% humility with avoid any disunion with peers during demon defeating works. The best way is keeping secret by our mouth muted from people and keeping a heart of a baby. I defeated demon by this ‘entity’ after I reach the state as unspeakable union and drive this ‘entity’ by my willpower to the recipient, even he/she is half the earth from me. I would investigate whether it was succeeded by asking them later indirectly. As I knew they had something changed each time at the same moment I pray for them, I knew God success with my involvement.

Hear the sound of God

        Under my experience, the voice of the God is seldom a sound that can be heard in the same sense of listening by ear. There was experience of heard some sound. I heard a voice asked me to switch on the television set. I received this voice while I was praying. In the church of me at that time had a rule of not watching television as they considered the message from television was belong to the flesh as defined by the Bible. However, I followed to the voice that I received during praying. I learnt from this act that time that I should follow to the Holy Spirit instead of the rules set by human community.

       However, the voice from God is not a sound in most of the time in my experiences. It is similar as some idea or knowledge that was put into my mind during or after praying. There may be a feeling of ecstasy, but it is usually not too strong. Sometimes, it is nothing special, but you know that it is the voice.

        In establishment of this type of experience is basically start from spiritual practice such as call upon the name of the Lord. While we start to get into feeling or ecstasy, somethings were put into our mind or cognition. While we translate that things into human language, it is the prayer we made. It is so-called ‘prayer in spirit’ as defined by the Church Assembly Hall. In fact, praying is discovering and translating these ‘somethings’ which are continuously put into ourselves into language. It is not our will but God’s will. Therefore, God always listen to our prayer as it is His will.

        My experience includes also getting some knowledges or teachings or feelings from God while I stand in front of God with pay attention on His name. In fact, calling His name is not a ritual, a method, a practice to perfection, but nothing worth you to figure something out. As a human becoming, there is no need to define and no need to stress. The voice of God come always while you pay no attention but attention.

The process to perfection

        The value of interaction with God is not on the supernatural experience and the function or power subsequence. The most important and valuable aspect is the contribution in continue changing of our life toward perfection.

        My concern on the union is not always on the power or function. Power and function are always junior. The practice with union denotes the transformation of my whole life. It may not always stick with the feeling. While we live in a life with full of holly experience with the union with God, our whole life, our whole living in everyday is full of something progressively direct our life to a state of transformation. The higher level of experience is not that pay our attention to any so-called experience. We can forfeit all experiences one day as our faith is trained to a state that we really feel whole heartly the presence of the God and His intensive interacting with us and changing us. Our life may progress without go back to any experience again. A feeling, or even this is a feeling without feeling, occupies ourselves wholly. That enough as it called from inside.

        The ultimate goal is the eternity. It could be the experience I came across while I first reached the state of unspeakable union. But it might not have to return to that scene of the first time. During progression in my life, the eternity is already. I just turn back to this faith that established from the practice and no need of recitation and praying. As the practice goes with my life, the eternity is there in my practical experience here and now.

        What I so-called turning is not a way of understanding or persuade our feeling. It is really something changed by the experience with the God. The so-called feeling can be an entity. It is real. Therefore, the practice and always practice is the way to perfection. However, it is not a matter to sustain the supernatural feeling. As any feeling, even supernatural, is not eternity. The real eternity can be some state of not concerning anything.

        Someone may query about the practice of subduing of our inside passion during prayer as they think that our passion cannot be subdued by nature. I agree our passion may not diminished by our effort, but it can be temporary suppressed by our effort for our concentration in prayer. But our passion can be diminished by repeating entering into the state of prayer and it gradually transforms ourselves into perfection. I am practicing stretching exercise; my tendons are extended during stretching but return to normal after stretching. My tendons are gradually permanent extended while I persist the stretching exercise for years.

        But today I was told to keep invigilation on the ‘in the Spirit’ state as I may need to face a chance of critical time. A sensitive nous may need to be resumed as the Lord need to do something. The miracle will happen and should happen. It is not a loss of my faith that established but we are involved in a critical era.

Commenced at 11:26am on 14 January 2021 at Siu Sai Wan Living room

Completed at 10:40am on 25 April 2021 at Siu Sai Wan Living room



[1] Alan Bryman, Social Research Methods, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2016), 576-577.

[2] You may consider a grammatical mistake in this sentence, but it is not.